depression is psychological horror

jumpingjacktrash:

i’m not good at words right now so i’m not sure how well i’ll express this but…

i slept through the time when i should’ve taken my meds, because i have a dumb head cold. i took my painkiller, but i was not going to take the rest of them, because i wasn’t sure which ones are ok to take late. i knew i was having depression and anxiety feelings because of not taking my lexapro, but i was prepared to just tough it out.

barb persuaded me to take the meds anyway, aside from the concerta which would’ve kept me awake all night.

about a half hour after taking the lexapro, the world changed.

it was like a discordant melody gradually coming into harmony, or a dark and desaturated film becoming bright and sharp. you don’t realize just how distorted it is until the distortion clears up.

i hadn’t exactly forgotten what depression was like, but the contrast was startling. i knew thoughts like “i don’t deserve to have the full-spectrum lights on” were fucked up, but when you’re down in it you just don’t have the perspective to appreciate how enormously fucked up that whole depressive paradigm is. the idea that it’s possible to not deserve sunlight is just so bizarre, but you can live for years inside a world where it makes sense, and that’s kind of terrifying. i lived my entire life inside that world until the age of, what, 35? how did i even survive?

anyone who would tell you not to medicate depression is basically giving you the “don’t become addicted to water” speech from fury road. fuck those assholes. they’re just so wrong.