It’s a rather determined and not-sad-as-balls venting. Incredible. Just some things I need to say, to make them more real to myself.

I was going through my last of the year 2016 posts and re-read all the venting posts I wrote… This end of year 2017 has been, well, not “much better”, but at least not as hard as the previous one. 

I still have issues. Depression is not totally gone, and anxiety is actually worse. My physical symptoms have not abated. I am still coursed by pain everytime I eat – I am still wishing I could just disappear from the world. I would like to go back in time and fix all my mistakes. I would like to live out of time to grow better, to be the best, to know everything, music, drawing, art, science…everything. I am a deeply flawed human being.

There is some evolution, though. I’m fighting with all I have.

I’ve been focusing of my eating disorders. I started a journal to fight back crises, and it mainly worked! Once I felt more confident, I stopped writing in it as regularly, but I know it’s here for when I’m lost. I identified the foods that made me go berserk and was almost able to cut them all out (except for cream). On the contrary, I noticed some foods I could eat during crises to make them easier on my stomach and caloric intake. I repaired my scale and totally banished fish from my alimentation. I started cooking.
I lost five kilogramms, but gained two during the holidays. This is the hardest for me. I obsessively weigh myself, about five times a day, and get so damn depressed when I don’t lose weight during the day. The worst thing is convincing myself to eat after that. I underwent a full day of not eating after I came back home – fingering at my empty stomach, so flat, so soft, felt so wonderful. I felt so light.  
But I know that it is when the cold comes. The shivering. The cramps. Then fatigue, and dehydration. Drinking fills my stomach and weighs me down – it’s so hard to push myself to gulpe down that water. I have to. 

Today I woke up at 12pm. Earlier than I usually do. I spent hours trying to distract myself from the fact I had to go buy food and eat. I eventually accomplished this feat. I also discovered a new website, La Fabrique à Menus, which provided me with a planning of meals.
I am scared – even when removing the meat, the fish and the sweets, this is so much food. They put in a meal what I usually eat in two. How will I be able to eat that? Can I go for a month purchasing it? Electricity bill had to be paid a few days ago, and I’m already short on money. And, also… Will it make me gain weight?
I know that it should just fill me right, and that it will help prevent crises or binging on nasty stuff just not to feel hungry anymore. I tried a meal tonight – I’m still working the courage to eat the dessert, but even without it… I’m not hungry. I’m actually ending a meal without feeling hungry. I was amazed at “discovering” there was “still food left to eat”, even though I had to fight myself to get the right proportions. I replaced the salty soy sauce I was using (and which was part of the binging food) by curry powder. Now if I could just eat that yoghurt… I took two hours but I managed to eat almost all the food I was supposed to eat tonight. 
I was very sick all afternoon after “breakfast” (tea with an apple plus some soy milk), and it tired me out. That’s what I get for not eating on the day before, I guess. For now I’m not sick after tonight meal. I’m also less cold. But my stomach is so full, so heavy… 

So that’s how eating disorders go. I’m determined, but it’s hard.

On other aspects of my life… Studies? I have no motivation and I’m frightened. Love? Same, basically. I talked to a friend about it – about how tired I felt of reaching out almost all the time, of the long pauses between us, of the pretense of normalcy when nothing about this situation is. My friend seemed to agree with me. This is not working. Maybe I’m the problem (maybe – who am I kidding, there is no doubt there). I’m not good at these things. I wouldn’t say I’m totally aromantic, but…it’s close, I guess. 
I can’t distinguish between what society wants of me in that field, and what I want. But what I do know is that I miss just being friends with her, I miss not feeling awkward, I miss playfully flirting. I don’t want to feel embarrassed anymore. Social anxiety is not making this any easier for me. Maybe breaking things off would be letting it win, but on the other hand I need to have a clear mind to tackle it once for all. 

I’m selfish, I know. I’m a cold, calculating person. I prioritize my plan of battle against my mental illnesses over the feelings of my family or friends. But I have enough of this, enough of the misery, enough of the fear, enough of the panic. I prefer being a bitch to being sick. And I think I’m done apologizing for it.

When I look at my soul now, I can see it coloring slowly. It’s coming back, I know it is. I’m growing into that glorious warrior I’ve always wanted to be. Cracks in my heart will never heal truly, I suppose – but I will not let myself lie in complete shambles again.
I feel strong, I feel powerful, for the first time in who-knows-long. I’m going to do it my own way – I don’t care what society thinks, what my friends think, and even what she thinks. I’m my own person, and for now I can’t attach myself to anyone else – or the anxiety will come stronger. I want to feel whole as myself only. 

Let me breathe! Let me experiment! Let me pack my bags and wander!

I’m going to dream of a stronger future, surrounded either by people who exactly get me or by myself only. I’m tired of putting up with other people bullshit – on gender, on sexuality, on prejudice, on “how-you-should-live-or-you’re-gonna-end-up-as-a-social-reject-or-looked-at-like-a-child”!
Give me freedom! Give me back these years of teenage rebellion and aimless crushes that closed-mindness and homophobia stole from me!

Maybe then I’ll be reborn into the adult I never imagined I could become.