Every now and then I have these moments where I’m really aware of just how much I hate living. Since I was at least ten? years old I’ve just been switching between desperately clinging to something distract me from my life, and dissociating when that wasn’t an option. There are huge chunks of my childhood missing. I literally don’t remember what it’s like to want to live but at the same time I have an idea of what it was like and now that’s gone, and it’s like. how do you recover from that? How do you ‘recover’ from nothing? There isn’t a constant desire to die but I don’t want to live either. How am I supposed to put effort into improving a life I don’t even want? There’s no motivation. I don’t like myself and I have no idea how to change that or even if I have any desire to
Plume de Lynx 