i’m not good at words right now so i’m not sure how well i’ll express this but…
i slept through the time when i should’ve taken my meds, because i have a dumb head cold. i took my painkiller, but i was not going to take the rest of them, because i wasn’t sure which ones are ok to take late. i knew i was having depression and anxiety feelings because of not taking my lexapro, but i was prepared to just tough it out.
barb persuaded me to take the meds anyway, aside from the concerta which would’ve kept me awake all night.
about a half hour after taking the lexapro, the world changed.
it was like a discordant melody gradually coming into harmony, or a dark and desaturated film becoming bright and sharp. you don’t realize just how distorted it is until the distortion clears up.
i hadn’t exactly forgotten what depression was like, but the contrast was startling. i knew thoughts like “i don’t deserve to have the full-spectrum lights on” were fucked up, but when you’re down in it you just don’t have the perspective to appreciate how enormously fucked up that whole depressive paradigm is. the idea that it’s possible to not deserve sunlight is just so bizarre, but you can live for years inside a world where it makes sense, and that’s kind of terrifying. i lived my entire life inside that world until the age of, what, 35? how did i even survive?
anyone who would tell you not to medicate depression is basically giving you the “don’t become addicted to water” speech from fury road. fuck those assholes. they’re just so wrong.
Also whoever made these should probably be my therapist from now on??
imagine if tumblr mental health culture was like this instead of being manipulative, unhealthy, and encouraging people to not be accountable for their wrongdoings
It’s a rather determined and not-sad-as-balls venting. Incredible. Just some things I need to say, to make them more real to myself.
I was going through my last of the year 2016 posts and re-read all the venting posts I wrote… This end of year 2017 has been, well, not “much better”, but at least not as hard as the previous one.
I still have issues. Depression is not totally gone, and anxiety is actually worse. My physical symptoms have not abated. I am still coursed by pain everytime I eat – I am still wishing I could just disappear from the world. I would like to go back in time and fix all my mistakes. I would like to live out of time to grow better, to be the best, to know everything, music, drawing, art, science…everything. I am a deeply flawed human being.
There is some evolution, though. I’m fighting with all I have.
I’ve been focusing of my eating disorders. I started a journal to fight back crises, and it mainly worked! Once I felt more confident, I stopped writing in it as regularly, but I know it’s here for when I’m lost. I identified the foods that made me go berserk and was almost able to cut them all out (except for cream). On the contrary, I noticed some foods I could eat during crises to make them easier on my stomach and caloric intake. I repaired my scale and totally banished fish from my alimentation. I started cooking. I lost five kilogramms, but gained two during the holidays. This is the hardest for me. I obsessively weigh myself, about five times a day, and get so damn depressed when I don’t lose weight during the day. The worst thing is convincing myself to eat after that. I underwent a full day of not eating after I came back home – fingering at my empty stomach, so flat, so soft, felt so wonderful. I felt so light. But I know that it is when the cold comes. The shivering. The cramps. Then fatigue, and dehydration. Drinking fills my stomach and weighs me down – it’s so hard to push myself to gulpe down that water. I have to.
Today I woke up at 12pm. Earlier than I usually do. I spent hours trying to distract myself from the fact I had to go buy food and eat. I eventually accomplished this feat. I also discovered a new website, La Fabrique à Menus, which provided me with a planning of meals. I am scared – even when removing the meat, the fish and the sweets, this is so much food. They put in a meal what I usually eat in two. How will I be able to eat that? Can I go for a month purchasing it? Electricity bill had to be paid a few days ago, and I’m already short on money. And, also… Will it make me gain weight? I know that it should just fill me right, and that it will help prevent crises or binging on nasty stuff just not to feel hungry anymore. I tried a meal tonight – I’m still working the courage to eat the dessert, but even without it… I’m not hungry. I’m actually ending a meal without feeling hungry. I was amazed at “discovering” there was “still food left to eat”, even though I had to fight myself to get the right proportions. I replaced the salty soy sauce I was using (and which was part of the binging food) by curry powder. Now if I could just eat that yoghurt… I took two hours but I managed to eat almost all the food I was supposed to eat tonight. I was very sick all afternoon after “breakfast” (tea with an apple plus some soy milk), and it tired me out. That’s what I get for not eating on the day before, I guess. For now I’m not sick after tonight meal. I’m also less cold. But my stomach is so full, so heavy…
So that’s how eating disorders go. I’m determined, but it’s hard.
On other aspects of my life… Studies? I have no motivation and I’m frightened. Love? Same, basically. I talked to a friend about it – about how tired I felt of reaching out almost all the time, of the long pauses between us, of the pretense of normalcy when nothing about this situation is. My friend seemed to agree with me. This is not working. Maybe I’m the problem (maybe – who am I kidding, there is no doubt there). I’m not good at these things. I wouldn’t say I’m totally aromantic, but…it’s close, I guess. I can’t distinguish between what society wants of me in that field, and what I want. But what I do know is that I miss just being friends with her, I miss not feeling awkward, I miss playfully flirting. I don’t want to feel embarrassed anymore. Social anxiety is not making this any easier for me. Maybe breaking things off would be letting it win, but on the other hand I need to have a clear mind to tackle it once for all.
I’m selfish, I know. I’m a cold, calculating person. I prioritize my plan of battle against my mental illnesses over the feelings of my family or friends. But I have enough of this, enough of the misery, enough of the fear, enough of the panic. I prefer being a bitch to being sick. And I think I’m done apologizing for it.
When I look at my soul now, I can see it coloring slowly. It’s coming back, I know it is. I’m growing into that glorious warrior I’ve always wanted to be. Cracks in my heart will never heal truly, I suppose – but I will not let myself lie in complete shambles again. I feel strong, I feel powerful, for the first time in who-knows-long. I’m going to do it my own way – I don’t care what society thinks, what my friends think, and even what she thinks. I’m my own person, and for now I can’t attach myself to anyone else – or the anxiety will come stronger. I want to feel whole as myself only.
Let me breathe! Let me experiment! Let me pack my bags and wander!
I’m going to dream of a stronger future, surrounded either by people who exactly get me or by myself only. I’m tired of putting up with other people bullshit – on gender, on sexuality, on prejudice, on “how-you-should-live-or-you’re-gonna-end-up-as-a-social-reject-or-looked-at-like-a-child”! Give me freedom! Give me back these years of teenage rebellion and aimless crushes that closed-mindness and homophobia stole from me!
Maybe then I’ll be reborn into the adult I never imagined I could become.
having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tired at the same time. it’s the fear of failure but no urge to be productive, and it’s wanting friends while hating socializing. it’s like running a marathon with the willpower of a corpse because you want to get to the end but you also want to sleep and evaporate into the soil and become compost for snails and flowers because then at least you’re useful
Honestly shoutout to all the ppl who are trying hard to be more positive and make meaningful changes in their lives and work towards recovery because this shits hard and people definitely don’t say it enough, but focusing on recovery is very difficult and the progress you make is so valuable, just by choosing to work towards bettering yourself you have already come so far and that’s something to be really proud of
Even if you’re unemployed, even if you’re taking time off from school, even if nobody is calling and making plans with you, get out of bed, take a shower, put on clean clothes, wear some cologne or perfume, turn all the lights on, do some laundry, clean up a little bit.
Doing all this stuff causes a shift in your perspective. Do it in spite of your situation.
That’s the only way to create sustainable happiness, because if your behavior is dictated by your circumstances, you’re always going to be miserable.
Don’t let the world determine your mindset. Let your mindset determine how you view the world.
This is the most neurotypical shit I’ve ever read
Diagnosed bipolar and major depressive to the point I had to be hospitalized for it but fuck me for tryna keep it positive nahmean cool copypasta tho hate yall
mentally ill person: *trying to cope and recover in practical, pragmatic ways* someone, inevitably: what kind of neurotypical bullshit is this
a lot of this website has fallen into the trap of equating being pro people who struggle with mental illness with being anti recovery, and even goes so far as to glorify and enable maladaptive symptoms and behaviors. This is a monumentally stupid idea. Illnesses and disorders are called that for a reason. They are not Cake and Happy Funtimes. They make you miserable, they make the people around you miserable, and everything sucks.
Posts that say “Keep trying to do this thing, even when you struggle with it,” are saying that for a reason. It’s fighting back against the illness, refusing to let it claim you. Yeah, it’s hard! Yeah, it sucks! Yeah, it’s okay for you to take a break if you need to! Yeah, it’s perfectly fine if you can’t do it alone and need to ask for help! Sometimes lots of help! But keep fighting. Keep resisting. It’s your life at stake.
why does everyone make those relateable posts about depression meals and list stuff like, half a potato chip and forgetting eat but no one ever talks about the other half of people who overeat from depression? no one talks about gouging yourself with food the second you feel bad because somehow youre convinced food will make you feel better but it doesnt so you keep eating until it does? the weight gain? feeling sick from eating so much? eating an entire bag of chips and a whole carton of ice cream in one sitting without knowing it?? feeling even worse because youre making yourself so ill???
why does no one remember this symptom?
Because of fatphobia. Plus it doesn’t fit the “cute sad waif” side of depression that everyone keeps romanticizing.
Plume de Lynx 