Tag: eating disorders

Venting 5

It’s a rather determined and not-sad-as-balls venting. Incredible. Just some things I need to say, to make them more real to myself.

I was going through my last of the year 2016 posts and re-read all the venting posts I wrote… This end of year 2017 has been, well, not “much better”, but at least not as hard as the previous one. 

I still have issues. Depression is not totally gone, and anxiety is actually worse. My physical symptoms have not abated. I am still coursed by pain everytime I eat – I am still wishing I could just disappear from the world. I would like to go back in time and fix all my mistakes. I would like to live out of time to grow better, to be the best, to know everything, music, drawing, art, science…everything. I am a deeply flawed human being.

There is some evolution, though. I’m fighting with all I have.

I’ve been focusing of my eating disorders. I started a journal to fight back crises, and it mainly worked! Once I felt more confident, I stopped writing in it as regularly, but I know it’s here for when I’m lost. I identified the foods that made me go berserk and was almost able to cut them all out (except for cream). On the contrary, I noticed some foods I could eat during crises to make them easier on my stomach and caloric intake. I repaired my scale and totally banished fish from my alimentation. I started cooking.
I lost five kilogramms, but gained two during the holidays. This is the hardest for me. I obsessively weigh myself, about five times a day, and get so damn depressed when I don’t lose weight during the day. The worst thing is convincing myself to eat after that. I underwent a full day of not eating after I came back home – fingering at my empty stomach, so flat, so soft, felt so wonderful. I felt so light.  
But I know that it is when the cold comes. The shivering. The cramps. Then fatigue, and dehydration. Drinking fills my stomach and weighs me down – it’s so hard to push myself to gulpe down that water. I have to. 

Today I woke up at 12pm. Earlier than I usually do. I spent hours trying to distract myself from the fact I had to go buy food and eat. I eventually accomplished this feat. I also discovered a new website, La Fabrique à Menus, which provided me with a planning of meals.
I am scared – even when removing the meat, the fish and the sweets, this is so much food. They put in a meal what I usually eat in two. How will I be able to eat that? Can I go for a month purchasing it? Electricity bill had to be paid a few days ago, and I’m already short on money. And, also… Will it make me gain weight?
I know that it should just fill me right, and that it will help prevent crises or binging on nasty stuff just not to feel hungry anymore. I tried a meal tonight – I’m still working the courage to eat the dessert, but even without it… I’m not hungry. I’m actually ending a meal without feeling hungry. I was amazed at “discovering” there was “still food left to eat”, even though I had to fight myself to get the right proportions. I replaced the salty soy sauce I was using (and which was part of the binging food) by curry powder. Now if I could just eat that yoghurt… I took two hours but I managed to eat almost all the food I was supposed to eat tonight. 
I was very sick all afternoon after “breakfast” (tea with an apple plus some soy milk), and it tired me out. That’s what I get for not eating on the day before, I guess. For now I’m not sick after tonight meal. I’m also less cold. But my stomach is so full, so heavy… 

So that’s how eating disorders go. I’m determined, but it’s hard.

On other aspects of my life… Studies? I have no motivation and I’m frightened. Love? Same, basically. I talked to a friend about it – about how tired I felt of reaching out almost all the time, of the long pauses between us, of the pretense of normalcy when nothing about this situation is. My friend seemed to agree with me. This is not working. Maybe I’m the problem (maybe – who am I kidding, there is no doubt there). I’m not good at these things. I wouldn’t say I’m totally aromantic, but…it’s close, I guess. 
I can’t distinguish between what society wants of me in that field, and what I want. But what I do know is that I miss just being friends with her, I miss not feeling awkward, I miss playfully flirting. I don’t want to feel embarrassed anymore. Social anxiety is not making this any easier for me. Maybe breaking things off would be letting it win, but on the other hand I need to have a clear mind to tackle it once for all. 

I’m selfish, I know. I’m a cold, calculating person. I prioritize my plan of battle against my mental illnesses over the feelings of my family or friends. But I have enough of this, enough of the misery, enough of the fear, enough of the panic. I prefer being a bitch to being sick. And I think I’m done apologizing for it.

When I look at my soul now, I can see it coloring slowly. It’s coming back, I know it is. I’m growing into that glorious warrior I’ve always wanted to be. Cracks in my heart will never heal truly, I suppose – but I will not let myself lie in complete shambles again.
I feel strong, I feel powerful, for the first time in who-knows-long. I’m going to do it my own way – I don’t care what society thinks, what my friends think, and even what she thinks. I’m my own person, and for now I can’t attach myself to anyone else – or the anxiety will come stronger. I want to feel whole as myself only. 

Let me breathe! Let me experiment! Let me pack my bags and wander!

I’m going to dream of a stronger future, surrounded either by people who exactly get me or by myself only. I’m tired of putting up with other people bullshit – on gender, on sexuality, on prejudice, on “how-you-should-live-or-you’re-gonna-end-up-as-a-social-reject-or-looked-at-like-a-child”!
Give me freedom! Give me back these years of teenage rebellion and aimless crushes that closed-mindness and homophobia stole from me!

Maybe then I’ll be reborn into the adult I never imagined I could become. 

706softly:

biteitwhenitssoft:

why does everyone make those relateable posts about depression meals and list stuff like, half a potato chip and forgetting eat but no one ever talks about the other half of people who overeat from depression? no one talks about gouging yourself with food the second you feel bad because somehow youre convinced food will make you feel better but it doesnt so you keep eating until it does? the weight gain? feeling sick from eating so much? eating an entire bag of chips and a whole carton of ice cream in one sitting without knowing it?? feeling even worse because youre making yourself so ill???

why does no one remember this symptom?

Because of fatphobia. Plus it doesn’t fit the “cute sad waif” side of depression that everyone keeps romanticizing.

Venting2

Today was a shitty day. I had no envy, no courage, nothing. I was…empty. I didn’t want to get up, I didn’t want to take my meds, I didn’t want anything.

I just accomplished my daily tasks, carefully placed reminders that I have things to carry out. A language course on the Internet. A shower. Dirty dishes. A phone-call from my mother, admitting that, no, I couldn’t go to class, again. Some made-up excuses why. A book. Plants.  

I’m functioning on auto-pilot. As a good robot, I don’t eat. I don’t eat until my bones feel cold, my head heavy, and my eyes blurry. I end up crouched on the floor, clutching my stomach, tears on my cheeks, pitifully whining.

I can’t win against that enormous pain. I eat – I suffer. I don’t eat – I suffer. It’s an endless cycle. The stress that is devoring me whole.

Except that not eating is more acceptable for me, because it makes me loose weight. People take that as a hint of good health. When you are big, even loosing 1kg is taken as extraordinary good news – when in fact it’s because you couldn’t summon the will to keep fueling yourself. Or worse, because you were actively trying to diminish what was left of you. 

You can’t disappear, your life is slipping away, so you control. You control the only sign of humanity in you: the limitless need to eat and defecate. You control sleep, you force yourself to binge on sleeping-pills and then stay awake. It’s the only thing keeping you sane. Being high on fucking sleeping-pills. How pitoyable. 

And then, at the end of the day, people insult you for what you are. They exclude you, they think you do not belong. They decide not to come to a social event because you said you’ll be there. 

On days like those… I wish I could take enough sleeping-pills to never wake up again. Just resting peacefully…no more judgements, no more obligations, no more human needs. I wish I could say I was staying alive for the sake of the people loving me – but their love feels fake in my dementia, and in fact, it’s only my own cowardness that is pushing me back to sleep…to face another day.

drtanner-sfw:

rikakuuma:

vulnerate:

the-exercist:

dreamofunconsciousness:

the-exercist:

my-way-to-get-skinny:

Still hungry?

Absolutely!

The average active adult needs 2,000 calories per day in order to function in a safe and healthy manner. If I’m active to the point where I consistently run 1+ hour every day, then it is far more likely that my caloric needs are around 2,400-2,500.

Considering that, a meal of 1,200 calories would perfectly suit my needs. It would supply roughly half of my calorie requirements, which is a God-send since a fast food meal is relatively cheap. It’s a great value, especially if I don’t have much time to cook or have the resources to prepare my own meals!

The average burger is going to supply me with significant protein and carbs. That’s exactly what I’d need in order to build more muscle and have enough energy to make it through a workout. Even the sugar within the meal can be beneficial in supplying me with a boost of energy and can stop me from feeling hungry for a prolonged period of time. Not half bad.

Is this the most healthy meal known to man? Of course not. But it’s still a very reasonable deal and the calorie count is well within the average adult’s daily needs. 

Don’t let calories scare you! You need them. If you were capable of burning off an entire meal within the hour, you’d probably be dead by now.

1200 empty calories in a meal

next to no nutrition. all the calories are sugar and fat. that’s it. you’ll have no energy and have glucose spikes in your blood because the lack of fiber because of the lack of complex carbs. this is diabetes in a meal. 

so no, you should not be hungry for diabetes

Nutritionally, this BK meal contains roughly 28g of protein and 3g of dietary fiber. It potentially also includes 35% of our Vitamin C daily requirements, 2% Vitamin A, 12% calcium, and 27% iron. Of the 1,010 calories (that I could verify directly from the company’s nutritional information guide), only 410 are from fat. That isn’t a terribly significant amount of fat, in the long run, nor are the nutrients small enough to be viewed as negligible.

Eating this will not cause you to get diabetes. Eating this meal is perfectly fine if you do have diabetes, as long as you are able to adjust your insulin intake accordingly. So don’t use an illness as your debate point – Diabetic people are not a prop.

“So don’t use an illness as your debate point – Diabetic people are not a prop.” I want that and variations of that on t shirts.

damn, man. Someone just got completely schooled by a nutritionist.

THIS A GOOD POST