I’m so happy I’m soon going to the psy… I’m so full of things, I feel like bursting. I feel disgusted by myself, I’m so unuseful and awful… I harmed twice since I came back to my place, and I just could not get out of my bed today, and yesterday as well… Pff…

Today I stepped out of my apartment, shaking of lack of nutrition and on the verge of anxiety attacks because there was just so many people. I kept repeating “No one is looking at you, no one is looking at you” under my breath, probably sounding like a maniac. I got controlled twice by security agents, it made me almost cry. 

But most of all I am lonely. All the time, all the time, it just never stops. Loneliness is eating my brain and all my happy thoughts. I cannot talk to my friends, I don’t want to bother them. I get the feeling they wouldn’t care if I did, anyway. Because when you are always feeling miserable, telling so to people tends to bore them. They take your sadness, tiredness, weirdness, for granted. They think it’s normal for you to feel that way. 

So they choose not to answer. Or they belittle it. It’s something they refuse to sympathize with, because it’s tiring to love someone who is depressed and anxious. 

I’ve got a girlfriend, a family, many friends. But I feel so lonely. I feel abandoned. I feel restricted to a bubble where no love can enter. I feel like all the words said to me are not sincere, I feel like no one cares about me, at all. I feel like the only person on Earth – and it’s stupid. I’m stupid.

I mean, I must be, if I’m actually writing all of this on a blog no one visits. It’s like I’m screaming pain into the wind, in the hope some human ear may catch a bit of it. 

Anyway, that is the purpose of this blog. I can’t keep writing to myself, or I’ll turn insane. 

Two more days to go, before I can verbally unleash this at someone, who is paid to listen to all that shit and give me more pills. Let’s hope it will actually lift my spirits.