Last venting was not from today. In fact I wrote it weeks ago. I am now posting again, because, I need to. Vent.

Here is today venting.

“On days like those… I wish I could take enough sleeping-pills to never wake up again. Just resting peacefully…no more judgements, no more obligations, no more human needs.
“

Well, I did. I tried. Yesterday night, I tried to kill myself.

I persuaded my dad to give me his Lexomil (Bromazépam) – he was not hard to persuade, eh, he’s all too happy to give his drugs to someone else. He told me “it’s powerful, take only a quarter!”. Ah. I took a whole pill and still felt fine.

When I tried coming home on Friday, no one was there to greet me. I was alone at the station. I had to take another train to come close to the town where my parents habit.

When I told my mother I needed new medications because I was a mess, she ended up angry and told me she was fed up with me.

I did not have to courage to ask my girlfriend on a date. What is wrong with me.

Yesterday night, I took way too many pills. Sleeping pills (half a tube), Lexomile (four pills), and painkillers. I then went out to search for an open shop, see if they were selling alcohol. I was not really conscious of what I was doing, I’m aware of it now. I was swaggering on the streets, defenceless. Just wanting to have some beer to accelerate the stuff.

I didn’t find any. I went back home, feeling like shit. I found weird things there on the bed, latex gloves, and remnants of pills wrappers. I don’t really know what happened next.

I woke up hours after, naked in the bed, with a different pair of underwear. My computer was shut off. Books were piled up on the floor. I don’t remember doing any of it, but it must have been me.

I couldn’t eat all day. Pills have left an horrible after taste, I tried drinking but it gave me nausea so strong I nearly puked. Tonight I cooked a kilo of pasta, and in a rush of eating disorder I gulped it all, and then stayed in pain in the toilets for an hour. I have troubles breathing, and walking straight. I still went to my afternoon classes.

I don’t know how to deal with this. I tried to kill myself, I was so close! I am ashamed of myself, and I can’t tell anyone. But the worst is…that I am actually disappointed. I felt bad yesterday, yes, but not that much. If I had died, it would have been peaceful.

That’s all I want. And I failed. Like I fail at everything else.

And now what to do? Trying again? Calling a doctor? I don’t know. I don’t know what to do. I can’t stop running, but I am already on my knees.